Welp, Im kinda all over the place.
I had some sort of attack at the start of the week, well near the start. My friend looked up what happened to me and it suggested anxiety which is something i dont touch nor try to look like i understand, because i dont.
That night i woke up at 5am, it felt like i never fell asleep in the first place. I was laying in bed and just got hit with the worse sick feeling in my stomach. It felt like if i moved i would puke. I continued laying there hoping it would just go away since the thought of puking can send my body in a panic mode since i hate it so much. Well after awhile my heart started pumping quickly, then my arms started to feel weird, im not sure if they were numb or sore.. they just felt weird. I was shaking horribly so i tried to take long breaths to calm myself but it didn't work. I got out of bed and started pacing in my house panicked, it was scary for me. I felt as if i could just fall over at anytime and just i dunno. While pacing and continuing to try to calm myself down I was debating on waking up my mother panicked so she can magically make me feel better with some kind of pill or something. Instead i woke her up to borrow her bathtub to soak in relaxing water. Both her and my dad thought i was crazy. (Their bathroom is the only working on atm). I soaked in there for a good hour or more until i finally felt like i was calm enough to go back to bed. Next day I told my mom about what my friend got come up about what i experienced, and after that day my stomach was sick horrible for a good few days but my mom doesn't quite understand any of how it felt or feels. So I was telling her how i didn't understand how i could have anxiety either way and my mom had to point out the factors in life that I avoid.
Basically I'm a scared ass 21 year old who cant do anything on her own or by yourself without wanting to break down crying out of fear or just nerves. I have no job and honestly I dunno how I even get a job. School says they teach you about how to do things but in reality all i had to do was do fake shit just to get a great. Another thing about jobs is im afraid of fucking up. Im dyslexic so i have a high ability of fucking something up with it and getting someone pissed at me. I dont do good under pressure, being yelled at, being told /no/. I just turn into a damn cry baby. I'm better at being behind a computer where no one sees me, no one can hurt me as easily if im just words on a screen. Honestly Im pretty sure i lost most to all my friends from school because im a nervous baby who will make up the excuse im busy just so i dont look like a ass about telling someone i dont wanna go somewhere because of how uncomfortable i am there. I'm uncomfortable basically everywhere. "Make yourself at home, Amber" Ehhh yeahhh no i can't. I feel uneasy. However when it comes to going to places such as stores, and other things im more comfortable as long as i stick to my friends or family like glue. I dont like feeling like im being looked at because im a weirdo all by themselves looking at something I know nothing about or im that weirdo standing around doing nothing. When my mom tells me to wait somewhere i look around and act like im understanding what im looking at if its just random shit. I dont have a phone to hide my face in, i just twittle my thumbs.
My mom also reminds me im the youngest out of the family with old parents who wont be here forever. This causes her to try to push me to do things but eehhh School... People.. I dont like being around a shit ton of people. I have issues with crowds but she wants me to go to a campus because i was always good with talking and making friends with my teachers eh..